People……it’s time to get serious.
I have just found out that our natural resources depleting and the world is amidst a climate change. Pollution from our vehicles, use of Air conditioners, Smoking and eating lot of beans are all causing a green house effect. These facts got me perturbed. (Yes it was word of the day at Dictionary.com)
So I decided to go speak to my good friend Prof. C Yithua from the University of Oklahoma. As many of you would already know, Prof. Yithua is one of the leading enviromentologists in the world. I went to him with the hope that he would put my perturbulations to rest, but that’s not what happened. He explained to me that in another 3 years and 4 months time, the Global greenhouse effect would mean that during peak Indian summers a person would have only 13 seconds to finish his ice cream, before it completely melts and in the subsequent 15 seconds vaporizes. More astonishing fact was that apparently due to our neglect in managing non bio degradable waste, oil spillages, and Silicon waste from Pamela’s bosom reduction has lead to the destruction in ¼th of the world’s rain forest. So it seems that the only true axe effect is the reduction of trees and increase in perspiration.
But as many of you know that while there may be people who see the glass as half empty, I see it as only a temporary state before it becomes completely empty. So speaking to the Prof was not the best thing I could have done. So I went to the Library and picked up some white papers written in the last century. Apparently gentlemen called Lord Loshase had done a study that using only 1/3rd of the plastic a person used, reduces the plastic consumption of a person by 2/3rds!!!! I was wonder struck, if one person can make such a significant difference, then imagine what all of us together could do!!
So I have decided that saving the planet is each and everyone’s responsibility, and I am starting by not going ahead with my plan of becoming a chain smoker.
People seriously on a serious note, let’s all individually take responsibility for our actions and make an effort, however small in the grand scheme of things to make out world a little cleaner and greener for us and the generation that will come after us.
But then on second thoughts what the hell has that generations coming after us done for us, lazy buggers!!...ok maybe I should stop…
Adios :-)
There I was searching you-tube looking for dirty videos, and obviously I thought searching for “key” words such as Vagina might help. Next thing I know, to my delight a whole bunch of these vagina monologue videos turn up, and I am thinking this must be some sort of new politically correct terminology for an independent women doing her thing
Next thing I know I am being bombarded by some pretty angry women (pretty-angry women not pretty angry-women) , all screaming about rape torture, and all sort of other things you don’t want to ear about in your R&R time. Who would have thought that women walking about their vaginas could be so off-putting?
Well I decided that this is wrong, and I must take a stand for all men and write something in return. Something from the men’s side of it, and this is how it went.
Well, it’s quite understandable that with women, it has to be a monologue. That’s hardly a surprise. But men converse….men have a dialogue. Hence this piece became Penile Dialogue .. Has a nice ring to it don’t you think so?
Well so far it has been all background. Now that the time of actually writing something for this blog entry, actually write something pertaining to the title of this piece..well…..lets look at an excerpt from good ol’ eveies stuff
I BET YOU'RE WORRIED.I WAS WORRIED.THAT'S WHY I BEGAN THIS PIECE.I WAS WORRIED ABOUT VAGINAS., I WAS WORRIED WHAT WE THINK ABOUT VAGINASAND I WAS EVEN MORE WORRIEDTHAT WE DON'T THINK ABOUT THEM.I WAS WORRIED ABOUT MY OWN VAGINA.IT NEEDED A CONTEXT, A COMMUNITY,A CULTURE OF OTHER VAGINAS.THERE IS SO MUCH DARKNESS AND SECRECY SURROUNDING THEM, (I agree)LIKE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE, LIKE A WHAT !!!
OK. Now do you realize the basic basic difference here? There is NO way I am going to be talking about my penis. And there is no way that I want to talk about some one else’s penis. Hell if I was worried about my penis, I wouldn’t want to talk about anything at all.
So here I am with a title but cant really write anything about the first part of it. So I have decided to have a dialogue…with myself.
I: You do realize you keep taking my place
Me: Hey can’t help it if most people don’t know when to use you.
I: Well I guess I’m just a lonely word, people don’t want to use me much.
Me: Are you getting senti on me now? Better not or the only other piece of work you will ever get is on the next Ensler play “My Vagina and I.”
Myself: Ok..now when I started writing this dialogue it was going to be about me, now the rambling of some ridiculous personification of two personal pronouns.
I: So much for a dialogue, now it s a group discussion!!
Me: well at least you aren’t mopping around anymore. So I guess more the angrier.
Myself: Dear reader I do apologies for this. This was supposed to be an intellectual dialogue between me and my alter ego, supposed to enlighten you, but its turned into..
I: Shut up! I won’t let me do to me what will did to shall. I SHALL keep my place in the hallowed nuttiness of the English language.
Myself: thanks for reading the all this nonsense….. this is getting out of control…till the next blog entry…”How to Cheat friends and Influence the stock markets”
Talk its only talk
Dialogue, dualogue, diatribe,
Dissention, declamation
Double talk and so on
He went singing his song
One part crazy
One part genius
For no one who spoke
Knows the beginning
Or end of the spoken word
Inspired by Elephant Talk by King Crimson
Person A: “So whats up?”
Person B: “Nothing…same old..you tell me”
Person A: “Nothing much, a usual”
Person B: “Hmm”
Person A: “God the traffic was bad today”
Person B: “ Yeah….but I thought it was worse yesterday”
Ladies and gentleman……children of all ages….feel free to take any conveniently available pistol and shoot your brains out. Yes the inane small talk, the unnoticed ill of modern society looms all around us.
How many times have we had this conversation, if you can call it that? An exchange of words for the sole purpose of avoiding silence. An exchange of words in the hope that this exchange might lead to something meaningful; Friendship; kinship; loveship; who knows? It appears that the entire premise of small talk/polite conversation, call it what you may.
Person A: “So whats up?”
Person B: “Nothing…same old..you tell me”
Person A: “Nothing much, a usual”
Person B: “Hmm”
Person A: “You look really pretty today”
Person B: “……………………………………..”
Person A: “ Hmmmmmmm…………………….”
Person B: “God the traffic was so bad today”
Prof. C Yithua from the
“Deep in the human psyche lies the fear of falling behind, which originated when only the slowest or dim witted of the early man had not mastered the art of verbal communication. From this came about the need to speak. For silence is viewed by many cultures across the globe as a sign of stupidity. Iditocity if you prefer that word”
Hey this guy is an expert. Well don’t just take his word for it. As early as 1920 a study was conducted by Lord Loshase which stated that
“Small talk is the first sign of madness, during my studies in the London Psychiatric ward I noted that most of the schizophrenics were unable to cope with reality because most of their time went in making polite conversation with their alter egos. The ones who have the capacity to be rude and tells their alter egos to shut up often are able to lead normal lives as the weaker personality generally keeps his trap shut ”
So there has been studies, arguments, god know what all, but one thing is certain and I am sure that you all agree with me, small talk leads to insanity. So the big Rs 300 + taxes question is:
Do you want to go insane?
If not, please buy my insanity resistant t-shirt selling for……..yes you guessed it Rs 300 + taxes.
Available in sizes large, very large, and loose some weight you fat bastard.
The orifice gapes open wider, the beast has shown its true size, natural fear and disgust at the sight of the unnatural large opening sweeps over me. Slowly, thankfully, the hand moves, albeit quite late on the job, to cover the mouth and the last remnants of the yawn. It’s the 10th yawn for the hour, and images of me shoving the reciever of the conveniently placed telephone into the mouth next time it opens fills my brain. Seems sadistic in a way I know but at least it helps assuage my boiling irritation.
As usual after some yawns, the inevitable takes place. The long and mysterious trip to the washroom. What perils and adventures lies in the path of the heroin of this tale I don’t know, but given the unnaturally long duration of this activity, one can suppose that there could be few reasons for this. Everything in the spectrum starting from constipation comes to mind. But it’s hard to imagine such a relaxed and sleepy demeanour from anyone suffering from any of these ailments. No, it can be only one thing. The mid hour nap!
One can only imagine what sort of dreams a person has when the person takes a nap in that holy cubicle. I only pray that these excursions are followed by the mock flush and hand wash. Not too good for the image of the team you see. The casual observer might mistake absence of the before mentioned acts as a sign of lack of personal hygiene. It’s hard for the commoner to understand that heroes are different beings, after all you don’t see
As you see this meaningless tale has now taken a tolkienish directon and I must burst into a song.
Lady my sweet lady
Dint you get any sleep last night
What kept you up? A fright?
Maybe you should stop that diet
Lady my sweet lady
Why is it that you blush
When I ask did you flush
Just concerned about your rep
Lady my sweet lady
Beware of the fiendish foe
Who might stick a receiver,
Into that yawning hole
Lady my sweet lady
And I use that word loosely
The hours I go on counting
Of the naps you keep taking
Lady my sweet lady
Before we say our goodbyes
And here while we still linger
With love accept my lone finger
Well, its 2007, Yippee. Another step towards, middle age, old age, senility and finally the ultimate climax Death!
I have always been struck by how people think that a new year is something to celebrate, how does our life really change? Is it like monopoly that is you finish a round and you get money, do all your problems from the previous year just disappear? Is it possible that every one who pisses you off might become more agreeable this year? Nah!! (Unless some of those people reach that ultimate climax). it would make more sense, to celebrate change of season, hey is no longer summer, no more sweating like a pig, yippee, hey it’s no longer winter Yippee, no more freezing my balls off. I guess anything could be a better reason.
What really pisses me off I is all those television shows with their bloody countdowns, walk down memory lane, the top ten stories, the top then songs of the past year, the top ten movies of the year, the top ten idiots who should have their head blow off (OK that’s not yet come on television, but you got to admit, that would be a good show)
Maybe you got the feeling that I am not such a great fan of the New Year, so maybe I am not, but still I have gone ahead like everyone else and made myself a few New Year’s Resolutions.
1. Work Towards world peace – I’m going to do my bit by not killing someone.
2. End world poverty – I’m going to do my bit by opening a charitable fund that supports my basic and my base needs.
3. Stop cruelty to animals – I’m a vegetarian, so I think I am already doing more than my bit.
Yeah……they don’t make nice guys like me anymore.
