Elephant Talk

Talk its only talk

Dialogue, dualogue, diatribe,

Dissention, declamation

Double talk and so on

He went singing his song

One part crazy

One part genius

For no one who spoke

Knows the beginning

Or end of the spoken word

Inspired by Elephant Talk by King Crimson

Person A: “So whats up?”

Person B: “Nothing…same old..you tell me”

Person A: “Nothing much, a usual”

Person B: “Hmm”

Person A: “God the traffic was bad today”

Person B: “ Yeah….but I thought it was worse yesterday”

Ladies and gentleman……children of all ages….feel free to take any conveniently available pistol and shoot your brains out. Yes the inane small talk, the unnoticed ill of modern society looms all around us.

How many times have we had this conversation, if you can call it that? An exchange of words for the sole purpose of avoiding silence. An exchange of words in the hope that this exchange might lead to something meaningful; Friendship; kinship; loveship; who knows? It appears that the entire premise of small talk/polite conversation, call it what you may.

1. Is to ensure that silence and awkwardness is avoided.
2. To be a contributing member of any group discussion
3. To start something off with the hope that something meaningful might evolve. Let me illustrate

Person A: “So whats up?”

Person B: “Nothing…same old..you tell me”

Person A: “Nothing much, a usual”

Person B: “Hmm”

Person A: “You look really pretty today”

Person B: “……………………………………..”

Person A: “ Hmmmmmmm…………………….”

Person B: “God the traffic was so bad today”

Prof. C Yithua from the University of Amsterdam, one of the world leading anthropologist states in his paper on evolution of human speech

“Deep in the human psyche lies the fear of falling behind, which originated when only the slowest or dim witted of the early man had not mastered the art of verbal communication. From this came about the need to speak. For silence is viewed by many cultures across the globe as a sign of stupidity. Iditocity if you prefer that word”

Hey this guy is an expert. Well don’t just take his word for it. As early as 1920 a study was conducted by Lord Loshase which stated that

“Small talk is the first sign of madness, during my studies in the London Psychiatric ward I noted that most of the schizophrenics were unable to cope with reality because most of their time went in making polite conversation with their alter egos. The ones who have the capacity to be rude and tells their alter egos to shut up often are able to lead normal lives as the weaker personality generally keeps his trap shut ”

So there has been studies, arguments, god know what all, but one thing is certain and I am sure that you all agree with me, small talk leads to insanity. So the big Rs 300 + taxes question is:

Do you want to go insane?

If not, please buy my insanity resistant t-shirt selling for……..yes you guessed it Rs 300 + taxes.

Available in sizes large, very large, and loose some weight you fat bastard.

Portrait of a Lady

The orifice gapes open wider, the beast has shown its true size, natural fear and disgust at the sight of the unnatural large opening sweeps over me. Slowly, thankfully, the hand moves, albeit quite late on the job, to cover the mouth and the last remnants of the yawn. It’s the 10th yawn for the hour, and images of me shoving the reciever of the conveniently placed telephone into the mouth next time it opens fills my brain. Seems sadistic in a way I know but at least it helps assuage my boiling irritation.

As usual after some yawns, the inevitable takes place. The long and mysterious trip to the washroom. What perils and adventures lies in the path of the heroin of this tale I don’t know, but given the unnaturally long duration of this activity, one can suppose that there could be few reasons for this. Everything in the spectrum starting from constipation comes to mind. But it’s hard to imagine such a relaxed and sleepy demeanour from anyone suffering from any of these ailments. No, it can be only one thing. The mid hour nap!

One can only imagine what sort of dreams a person has when the person takes a nap in that holy cubicle. I only pray that these excursions are followed by the mock flush and hand wash. Not too good for the image of the team you see. The casual observer might mistake absence of the before mentioned acts as a sign of lack of personal hygiene. It’s hard for the commoner to understand that heroes are different beings, after all you don’t see Aragon or Gimili running across the mountains carrying toilet paper and tooth brush do you.

As you see this meaningless tale has now taken a tolkienish directon and I must burst into a song.

Lady my sweet lady

Dint you get any sleep last night

What kept you up? A fright?

Maybe you should stop that diet

Lady my sweet lady

Why is it that you blush

When I ask did you flush

Just concerned about your rep

Lady my sweet lady

Beware of the fiendish foe

Who might stick a receiver,

Into that yawning hole

Lady my sweet lady

And I use that word loosely

The hours I go on counting

Of the naps you keep taking

Lady my sweet lady

Before we say our goodbyes

And here while we still linger

With love accept my lone finger

Any similarity between the persons and events mentioned in this post to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. But hey if the shoe fits......

A GENTLEMANS RHYME

It’s truly a gentlemen’s game,
With many dancing dames
Listen to the experts say
How the start paved the way
Or how twenty runs were short
Or a win they might have got

Yes the same old story
Happened once, will happen again
Or so I thought till the crying began
No No, this have not seen
Hope his diapers are still clean

Sixes and fours, off they go
Kicks and thrusts, and what not more
Slaps and bursts, and injuries galore
The question is whom do you support
Guess the winning side has my vote

THE THINKING MAN

Well I decided to think for a while and hence that became the topic. A topic that sounds noble, profound, makes allusion to the great artistry of Auguste Rodin. But think about “A man thinking” for a while. Let me give a few examples of what I thought of when I thought of what men might think.
1. “Maybe I should take a crapper…..I think I need to go”
2. “Wow!! That chick is hot….makes this one(Possibly a girl friend) look like a cow”

3. Me wasting my time thinking about all this.

So what is the point of the above? Some time it’s just better to say, “Hey buddy, stop your thinking and go to sleep”. Now you are probably beginning to think how long can I stay on this topic, and well you are right I can’t. Hence I will start the real topic; which is basically an expansion of example three.


Fictional characters

I recently finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and on reading the oh so sweet ending where everyone is married and has kids and Harry Potter is not cruelly and brutally murdered, I was reminded of a concept from a Tom Holt book (My Hero) where all the fictional characters of different books are real in another work/plane/universe/blah/blah (yes I know it’s a long sentence but then I am a thinking man, not a writing man). Now try and think if that was actually true (Now I could have asked you to imagine it, but as you see I am going with the whole “thinking” theme here). Now it’s nice for Harry and the gang that their story has such varied cast, with plenty of opportunity to hook up with people of your own species and all. Well that might not be your first thought but just think of the three men on that boat. When that story is not on going on, what do these three guys do? Any guesses, if you do, please keep it to yourself. Now you are thinking, “what the hell is he talking about, I can’t understand any of this. Ho w much more of this is there?” Well actually not much, I dint really think any more on these lines, hence we will move on to another demented little thought I had.

The Thought Experiment

From wizards and boating trips to quantum mechanics, I know its small press of the Enter button on the keyboards but a giant leap in the thinking process, but bear with me for a while. Now I spent some time reading and thinking about Schrödinger's famous Thought Experiment, where the cat is in the box, but we don’t know what state he is in, dead or alive and how that quantum physics as we know it, when viewed on a macro level creates so much room for conjecture and puzzlement. I was amazed by the amount of thought that has gone into the whole matter and views and theories published as well, most of which I couldn’t understand. Suddenly much like my ol’ pal Archie I thought Eureka!!! , why not just smash a piano on the box, once the box has attained tomandjerryish flatness, we can remove any heisenbergish uncertainty regarding the cats state of health.

Now what I think is if you have read this far you might be thinking, “why did this chap think so much and why dint he just take his own advice and go to sleep”, and if that is what you are thinking, I think would be in agreement with your thoughts.