Seriously Green

YAHAN PISHAAB KARNA AUR NAN BIO DEGRADABLE ITEM PHENKNA MANA HAI

People……it’s time to get serious.

I have just found out that our natural resources depleting and the world is amidst a climate change. Pollution from our vehicles, use of Air conditioners, Smoking and eating lot of beans are all causing a green house effect. These facts got me perturbed. (Yes it was word of the day at Dictionary.com)

So I decided to go speak to my good friend Prof. C Yithua from the University of Oklahoma. As many of you would already know, Prof. Yithua is one of the leading enviromentologists in the world. I went to him with the hope that he would put my perturbulations to rest, but that’s not what happened. He explained to me that in another 3 years and 4 months time, the Global greenhouse effect would mean that during peak Indian summers a person would have only 13 seconds to finish his ice cream, before it completely melts and in the subsequent 15 seconds vaporizes. More astonishing fact was that apparently due to our neglect in managing non bio degradable waste, oil spillages, and Silicon waste from Pamela’s bosom reduction has lead to the destruction in ¼th of the world’s rain forest. So it seems that the only true axe effect is the reduction of trees and increase in perspiration.

But as many of you know that while there may be people who see the glass as half empty, I see it as only a temporary state before it becomes completely empty. So speaking to the Prof was not the best thing I could have done. So I went to the Library and picked up some white papers written in the last century. Apparently gentlemen called Lord Loshase had done a study that using only 1/3^rd of the plastic a person used, reduces the plastic consumption of a person by 2/3rds!!!! I was wonder struck, if one person can make such a significant difference, then imagine what all of us together could do!!

So I have decided that saving the planet is each and everyone’s responsibility, and I am starting by not going ahead with my plan of becoming a chain smoker.

People seriously on a serious note, let’s all individually take responsibility for our actions and make an effort, however small in the grand scheme of things to make out world a little cleaner and greener for us and the generation that will come after us.

But then on second thoughts what the hell has that generations coming after us done for us, lazy buggers!!...ok maybe I should stop…

Adios :-)

Dear Diary

13th January, 2009

What woe I store, it’s been months since I was covered by a major news channel/newspaper. The last time I was in the news was when I got my photograph taken in that “page three” event with a running nose. What a nightmare it was, I had to quickly claim that I was protesting against the height of poverty where all people have to snack on is their runnies.

21st January, 2009

I just met my mum. She told me she has come to kick my bum. Told me I should do something productive, like write another book. I think she might have point there. Maybe I will write a book of poems. You might have noticed I can get quite a good rhyme going.

25thJanuary, 2009

I think I have writers block…can’t go beyond the fourth line of my first poem “The Inner Beauty”

I won the booker
Stood up for the hookers
Nobody thought I was a looker
But I refuse to make mine bigger
…………

30th January, 2009

Oh diary, I am so happy. Now that I am off dairy. Ok that last line was just to see if I should give that book of Poems another try. Maybe not….coming back to why I am so happy. I just found out that in the region of Chiwawapur, families are killieng all new born female dogs. They claim, the stray dogs hump them and leave them with, more pups than they can feed. This is just the sort of cause I was looking for!!

Animal and Female Gender’s rights rolled into one. I think my days on page 7 are here again.

2nd Feb, 2009


I called PETA for their support to my “SAVE THE BITCHES” Campaign. I told them I would be glad to do a bare all photo shoot. They enthused, told me that with the recession and all that it’s not the right time for a photo shoot for me. The Bastards! They dint even bother coming up with a good excuse and dashed my hope of getting Heffner’s attention. Well I showed them. Yes I did. I told them that they could go to hell with their veterinarian support for the dogs of Chiwawapur. These dogs don’t need shots they need to be shown on TV.

4th Feb

My protest is going really well. I have taken 50 dogs form the local area and making them go on a hunger strike till our demands (make murder of innocent bitches illegal) met. Even the President Prathiba Patil came ask me to stop my campaign.

5th Feb, 2009

It turns out; it wasn’t the president who met me. It was Prathiba Bai, who was complaining about all the dog shit in the protest area. If that wasn’t enough one of the bitches out of hunger bit me in the ass!!

7th Day of the Year of the Dog

Grrr arggg ggrrrr aahrrg!


12th Feb, 2009

I am really glad to be back from the hospital. Need to get my press statement regarding my protest about lack of initiative taken by the government against people suffering from rabies…..I hope this get covered by some major newspaper!.

Penile Dialogues

Well there comes a time in a man’s life when he must stand up and be heard. Some chap-y once said all it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing. Well I guess I am one of those “good men” who has decided that something must be done.

There I was searching you-tube looking for dirty videos, and obviously I thought searching for “key” words such as Vagina might help. Next thing I know, to my delight a whole bunch of these vagina monologue videos turn up, and I am thinking this must be some sort of new politically correct terminology for an independent women doing her thing

Next thing I know I am being bombarded by some pretty angry women (pretty-angry women not pretty angry-women) , all screaming about rape torture, and all sort of other things you don’t want to ear about in your R&R time. Who would have thought that women walking about their vaginas could be so off-putting?

Well I decided that this is wrong, and I must take a stand for all men and write something in return. Something from the men’s side of it, and this is how it went.

Well, it’s quite understandable that with women, it has to be a monologue. That’s hardly a surprise. But men converse….men have a dialogue. Hence this piece became Penile Dialogue .. Has a nice ring to it don’t you think so?

Well so far it has been all background. Now that the time of actually writing something for this blog entry, actually write something pertaining to the title of this piece..well…..lets look at an excerpt from good ol’ eveies stuff

I BET YOU'RE WORRIED.

I WAS WORRIED.

THAT'S WHY I BEGAN THIS PIECE.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT VAGINAS.

, I WAS WORRIED WHAT WE THINK ABOUT VAGINAS

AND I WAS EVEN MORE WORRIED

THAT WE DON'T THINK ABOUT THEM.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT MY OWN VAGINA.

IT NEEDED A CONTEXT, A COMMUNITY,

A CULTURE OF OTHER VAGINAS.

THERE IS SO MUCH DARKNESS AND SECRECY SURROUNDING THEM, (I agree)

LIKE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE,

LIKE A WHAT !!!

OK. Now do you realize the basic basic difference here? There is NO way I am going to be talking about my penis. And there is no way that I want to talk about some one else’s penis. Hell if I was worried about my penis, I wouldn’t want to talk about anything at all.

So here I am with a title but cant really write anything about the first part of it. So I have decided to have a dialogue…with myself.

I: You do realize you keep taking my place

Me: Hey can’t help it if most people don’t know when to use you.

I: Well I guess I’m just a lonely word, people don’t want to use me much.

Me: Are you getting senti on me now? Better not or the only other piece of work you will ever get is on the next Ensler play “My Vagina and I.”

Myself: Ok..now when I started writing this dialogue it was going to be about me, now the rambling of some ridiculous personification of two personal pronouns.

I: So much for a dialogue, now it s a group discussion!!

Me: well at least you aren’t mopping around anymore. So I guess more the angrier.

Myself: Dear reader I do apologies for this. This was supposed to be an intellectual dialogue between me and my alter ego, supposed to enlighten you, but its turned into..

I: Shut up! I won’t let me do to me what will did to shall. I SHALL keep my place in the hallowed nuttiness of the English language.

Myself: thanks for reading the all this nonsense….. this is getting out of control…till the next blog entry…”How to Cheat friends and Influence the stock markets”